Splitting myself in half

Since Emeline has been born we have been so lucky with Jenson, he has had his usual toddler/child moments and tantrums but he is utterly besotted with Emeline. He has been so patient and he is totally in love with her. Jenson hasn’t moaned once about us be needing to look after her, instead he wants to cuddle her and help with the ‘baby’ jobs.   

Jenson and Emeline ‘s first meeting


However, I have felt the most heartbreaking guilt, I never knew it was possible. My love hasn’t changed, I’ve just been able to love them both so much more, aswell as my baby’s but now as brother and sister.

Sharing Daddy

 
The first few days, I actually missed Jenson. He was here from day 1, Emeline was just 3 hours old when he came home and he stayed home. I felt like I had Emeline constantly with me and I couldn’t make time for him, whenever I could, he was always already playing or doing something with Daddy, having Daddy off was a huge novelty so he loved that. I missed out of bedtimes because Emeline needed feeding and as she got bigger she has routined herself to a 7pm bedtime although we try to have stories together and sometimes I manage to put her down early. Jenson could have his bedtime put back slightly so I could manage the two but having Scott around, he also gets that time with Jenson on his own after work. When Scott goes back on shift there will need to be more waiting for Jenson as he will need to go to bed after Emeline.  
 Sometimes I think we were a little hard on him too, we had a lot less patience where we were so tired having a newborn. That does make me laugh considering she only ever woke twice a night from day 1! Even then, Jenson did as we asked and waited or stopped, we had a few ‘no’ battles but he is strong willed anyway! He seemed to be being a little cheekier and pushing his luck at the time but he was just being the gorgeous little pest but we had no patience! 

I also felt so disconnected from him, he had to wait constantly for us as we began to juggle sharing ourselves between the two and he did not wimper or moan once. He waited patiently for his sister’s needs to be met. I have been so immensely proud of the big brother he has become, taking it all in his stride. Jenson coped so well having to wait considering he has been the only child in our worlds and his grandparents, big news for him. Even if I asked Jenson for a cuddle, he would prefer one with Emeline or he was busy. It didn’t take long, almost immediately when Scott went back to work and he needed Mummy again, we snuggled in bed and on the sofa and played with his new toys. I even put Emeline in the sling for walking to nursery. Jenson needed Mummy time too… But Mummy needed it more! 

 This afternoon, Jenson has a school trip which I have been invited on! I am so excited to be going along with him, it’s an Easter egg hunt but obviously I can’t take Emie. She is staying with my Mum but I worry that she will need feeding, I will express some milk for her to take but she doesn’t take a bottle so it won’t be easy. I know she will be fine but she is still so tiny, today I need to be able to split myself in half. They both need me, in two different places!! 

Everyone always says that going from 1 to 2 is the hardest and it was so more harder than I anticipated. 

 

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